I have been experiencing growing pains as of late, the pains of watching my boys grow into men.

Yesterday was another day of many “OMG when did they grow up on me?!?” moments. The first one occurred when Kid2 and I were walking to the store. He was busy talking about something and I was busy taking many mental snapshots of his facial expressions, body movements, freckles, counting the ringlets in his hair when I realized just how tall he has gotten in the last few months. It was at that moment that I realized, “Wow. In just over 1 year I will never have to worry about getting a babysitter again should I need one if I decide to go out for an evening. I will never have to check with Kid1 what his plans are again should I want to spend a few hours away.” I shared this revelation with Kid2 and he was excited. He has been counting down the days to when he can do more adult things. I however, have not.

The other week, Kid1 realized that he is almost 15. He said to me, “Where did the time go? I can’t believe I am almost 15 and Kid2 is almost 11! It seems just like yesterday you brought Kid2 home from the hospital and a few days later I was asking you to put him back in your tummy.” I laughed while part of me quietly wept as I replied, “Don’t even talk to me about where did the time go. I’m the one that has to watch you grow up, let go and allow you to make your own adult decisions. You have no idea how awesome it is to watch you and your brother grow up yet how sad it is at the same time. If only you could stay small forever.” My children find this strange. They think I should be looking forward to freedom. However, I enjoy being a mom. It is one thing I can say I am truly good at. It is the one thing growing up when I would think about possible careers, being a mom was always the first on my list. I commented one night to Kid1 how I do not find being a parent a burden or a bother. His reply was, “I think you are the only parent who thinks that.” This made me think “then maybe those other people should never have been parents in the first place.”

After coming to the realization that it is only 1 more year before not having to worry about childcare (1 year may seem like a long time but when I think where did the past 15 years go, it will be here in the blink of an eye), I spent most of the night observing Kid2 and soaking in everything he was doing. When he had decided it was time for bed, he proceeded to crawl into my bed as he is not feeling well. I asked him, “What are you doing?” He said, “Going to sleep.” I replied, “But you are in my bed.” He countered with, “Your bed is better right now.” Puzzled, I asked, “How is it better?” He answered, “It just is. Goodnight mom. By the way, can you play a few of my favourite songs for me while I fall asleep?” So I asked him what songs he wanted me to play. I put them on and watched as he drifted off to sleep.

I found myself watching him for a very long time and thinking “you haven’t watched him sleep since he was a baby. Why is that?” So I grabbed my camera and took a picture of him sleeping. Something else I haven’t done in years. And that is when more realizations come flooding into my brain.

As I sat and watched him sleep for about 30 minutes, I realized that soon the days will be over where he climbs on top of me while we are cuddling on the couch. It is an odd thing to see as he is now almost as tall as I am. But soon, he will no longer want the comfort of laying down on top of me while we cuddle. Soon he will no longer need me for physical comfort. Kid1 stopped cuddling on the couch with me when he was about 12. He will still hug me in public and tell me he loves me in public, but that is about it.

Soon the nights of him crawling into bed with me when he has had a nightmare will be gone. There are some nights where he is standing at my bedroom door in tears because of a dream he had and frustrated I tell him, “It’s okay love. Climb into bed with me.” But I know that when those nights are no longer here, I am going to miss them. I am going to miss being able to fix the things only a mommy can fix. So from now on, hopefully I do not reply to him with frustration in my half-awake state when he is needing the comfort only I can bring.

Soon the nights of my bed being the better bed when he is sick will be over. Sure I wake up the next morning feeling as if a MAC truck repeatedly ran me over because he is wild in his sleep and I spend most of the night dodging flying limbs however I feel a certain helplessness when my boys are sick. I wish I had a magic wand that can cure them and make them feel better. But even if I do not have a magic wand, at least I can make them feel more comfortable, safe and secure in my magic bed.

Soon I have to let them go and hope that from time to time they miss the comfort only I can bring and come to me seeking it.

One day they are boys and then they are men.

Earlier last week, Kid2 came home and informed me he made a bet for $20 with a kid at school and lost. Knowing that I would not pay off his debt, he told me that he had gotten a job at a neighbour’s house doing yard work to pay of this debt. To say I was proud was an understatement.

He was suppose to go to the neighbour’s house on Thursday at 4pm to do the first hour of his work. Thursday came and we realized it was 4:15. All of a sudden he got really upset and tears came to his eyes because he realized he was late. I told him to breathe and to quickly go and let the neighbour know that I had kept him because I needed his help with something and if there is an issue, they can give me a call. I found it slightly odd how much him being late was affecting him emotionally but just chalked it up to Kid2 being a man of his word and feeling sick that he felt as if he broke a promise. I would find out later there was more to this story. A lot more.

Yesterday I was outside when one of the neighbouring children came over and said to me, “Kid2 stole $20 from me and he refuses to give it back.” I shook my head and said, “No he didn’t. He lost a bet to you at school and he is going to pay you once he makes the money.” This is when the other child said, “I don’t even go to the same school as Kid2. He didn’t make a bet with me. When he was over at my house last, he stole $20 from a bag of loonies and toonies I had on the table.”

My brain asploded. I could not believe what I was hearing. I was angry. I thought I had raised better children than that. I told the child that I would be sure to talk to Kid2 about it when he got home from his friend’s house and it would be dealt with. The child said he would be back in an hour to find out of Kid2 was home yet.

About 30 minutes later someone was ringing my doorbell. It was the child again informing me that he found Kid2 and had confronted him about it and told Kid2 that he had told me about the stolen money. He then told me that Kid2 said he didn’t care that I was told and ran off with another child. To say I was angry and disappointed was an understatement. I yet again reassured the child that this would in fact be dealt with when my criminal child returned home. I was not impressed.

I was racking my brains out about how to best approach this with Kid2. I am not a yeller. I feel awful when I raise my voice even so my boys have said to me on numerous occasions, “I wish you would just yell at us. It would make us feel better and it is much nicer than your ‘dark voice’.” (When I am angry, instead of yelling my voice deepens. This voice especially bothers Kid2 and it makes him cry because it doesn’t sound like me at all.) I was so disappointed in this choice he made and my brain still could not understand why on earth he would do something like that. It was so out of character.

Hours pass and he is still not home. I am thinking he is probably afraid to come home because he knows he was caught in a lie. We have this rule, “if you tell me you did something wrong, the consequence will be less severe than if I have to find out through a third party.” Because of this, my children tell on themselves all the time. I have taught them it is important to take ownership of all their choices, both the good and the bad. Life is much easier that way even so it is a hard thing to do at times.

More hours pass and then next thing I know there is the child who narked on Kid2 with his mother and Kid2 showing up on my doorstep. It was all I could do to remain calm. Self went, “Shit! This is not going to be good. Why couldn’t Kid2 have just come home earlier so we could have talked to him in private about it before you dragged him over to the house to apologize for what he did.” I shot Kid2 “the look” and he hung his head in shame because he knew I was disappointed in this event. However, what was about to occur was pretty damn awesome.

The other mother told me that she has hired Kid2 to work on her farm and that she had never met such a hard worker in her life. I was thinking “Did I just enter the Twilight Zone? My kid stole from your kid and you are giving him compliments?!?!” She then went on to tell me that she was planning to come to my house at some other time to have a talk with me in private but unfortunately her kid has a big mouth and this talk is having to come sooner. Again, I did an internal head shake and thought, “Huh? Your kid did the right thing by telling me!” but instead I just continued to listen while in shock. She told me how she felt somewhat responsible for what had happened. She leaves a lot of money laying around the house and it can be a very tempting thing to a 10 year old. Kid2 did take the money, however he had returned the next day and confessed. He owned up to what he did and then asked her if there was any way he would make up for the money that he stole because he felt awful. They didn’t even know the money was missing until he confessed to it and it could have been a lot worse as there was close to $200 laying around that day. And then the mother continued, “Your son is more of a man than any other man that I know. I do not know anybody that would come to my house out of his own free will, knock on my door and tell me he stole from me and ask if there was any way he could work of his debt.”

I was amazed. Kid2 was probably scared shitless because most adults wouldn’t see how much courage it takes to owning up to something like that and would probably shit down his throat and tell him how awful he is, when really he isn’t awful. He just made a really bad choice. She then asked my permission to hire on Kid2 and have him work as much as possible during our rainy season and then full time during the summer to help her out at the farm market. I of course said yes because I could see how important this was to Kid2. He had just finished telling me the other day how he is looking forward to working and how he has learned from his father and I that working can be fun and is a good thing. It shouldn’t be seen as a chore but can be very fulfilling. He was also very jealous of Kid1 when he got his first job over the summer and wished that he was allowed to work as well.

Breathing a sigh of relief, the mother and I discussed the terms of his work contract and she again said that Kid2 told her that he will probably be in a lot of trouble with me. Not so much for stealing but for lying about the events that led up to this meeting. She then repeated that Kid2 is indeed a big man for doing what he has done and hopefully I won’t be too hard on him because I have done a good job raising such a man and she is honoured to know him and have him work for her. She has never seen such a hard worker and even when his friends came by to try and drag him away from work, he continued to work at a good steady pace and didn’t allow himself to be distracted by his friends. He is a wonderful man with a wonderful work ethic who is also very smart and will go on to do great things.

I smiled and thanked her. When she left Kid2 and I talked. I told him before this happened, he was in a lot of trouble. He was going to be grounded for a very long time. I told him I was still disappointed and said, “I am not disappointed with you, I am disappointed in the choice you made.” He said, “I know mom. I tell my friends all the time that you never get upset with me but you do not always like the choices I make. That you love me and are always proud of me even when I do stupid things.” I was satisfied with this.

I felt no further punishment was needed. He was the biggest man ever and did the right thing without my having to tell him how he was going to deal with this situation and fix it. Just like Kid1, I think he will grow up to be one fine human being.

Did I say I am very proud of him?